Why Won't My Baby Sleep?: How Development Impacts Sleep
One of the most common questions parents ask physicians, health care providers, and online parent groups is “how do I get my baby to sleep?”. The question belies the belief we tend to have as parents that we have control over sleep when, based on the evidence we have about infant sleep, it is a developmental process. Sure, it is influenced by attachment and environment. But sleep requires a maturation of the brain, nervous system, emotions, motor development, gut, and hormones. It therefore, invariably, is impacted by all these things.
For example, sleep will more likely be interrupted if emotions are high, or your baby is learning to crawl, they have tummy troubles, or their sleep hormones have not yet reached adult levels. We can rarely make sleep happen (at least not without compromising health and emotional regulation), but we do still have ways to support it in developing.
Sleep challenges tend to fit into one of three categories: development, attachment, and medical or health barriers. Worded another way, parents ask three main questions when they are concerned about sleep: “ Is this normal?”, “Why do they need me to fall asleep?”, and “Could there be something wrong?”. Although each of these questions is important, the first, “what is normal?” is a great place to start, largely because understanding what is normal has the potential to completely reframe the problem, and helps us hone in on pieces that we can actually change (for example, with sleep apnea).
Why won’t my baby sleep? (Is this normal?)
If we can appreciate that sleep interruptions (my preferred way of describing sleep regressions) are part of the process, then we can shed the pressure to fix a problem that may not actually be a problem! Imagine how much time you may already have spent cajoling, forcing, pleeding with, begging, and praying for your baby to sleep? If that time and effort could go towards a calm and relaxed interaction (if not outright enjoyable —”enjoyable” is not a word that fits with “2am wakeup call”) and an approach that acknowledges the key role that development plays, imagine how much more relaxed,and less taxed you will be when it comes to you falling asleep?
How does understanding development help us overcome sleep challenges?
Understanding what normal infant sleep development looks like can be extraordinarily helpful when there is a perceived problem with sleep. Here’s why:
Problem? Nope. It’s normal. By knowing what is normal, there can be a shift in perspective that turns a “sleep problem” into an emerging skill. If parents know that it is normal for sleep to be disrupted at 9 months, they will be less inclined to “fix” the problem through sleep training. Further, if parents know that it is normal for infants to wake up multiple times a night in the first year (and for night wakings and support to fall asleep to be normal well into the third year) then efforts and energy can be directed towards changing things that we have control over and accepting that development takestime. If indeed sleep is developmental, then we can look at development of independent sleep skills, as with other areas of development, to be following a track with particular milestones or steps happening in a generally predictable order (even if the actual train schedule varies widely between children!).
Ages and Stages. By approaching sleep as a developmental skill, parents can pay attention to what stage of development a child is in. This means knowing that leaps in motor skill or social or emotional development may cause a ripple in sleep as well. Sleep in the first few years requires maturation of the nervous system, gut, motor development and emotional development —no wonder it is so easily disrupted! As a baby matures, sleep becomes more mature (deeper, and longer sleep cycles which would be unsafe in a younger baby start to become the norm) and less inclined to interruption (thunderstorms, new babies, and teething aside!).
Understanding our babies, and ourselves. Understanding sleep as a developmental skill means understanding our babies better. And this means being better able to meet and respond to their needs. This can also lead to some pretty neat realizations about our own values and expectations as parents. The shift in perspective from “a problem that needs fixing” to “a need that needs meeting” can be profoundly liberating. You have not broken your child; you are letting them grow and develop.
Does this mean sleep should feel easy?
Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If understanding sleep development were all that was needed to feel like parenting was easy, and that sleep will come easily too? Understanding sleep development changes our perspectives about the problem, the way we can respond effectively to the “problem”, and moves the focus from manipulating sleep, to focusing on other areas of parent-child dynamic or the environment (like picking up on sleep cues, making changes to their bedroom, or avoiding screens for at least two hours before bedtime).
If I focus on attachment, won’t that make sleep easier because my baby’s needs are being met?
This focus on development also inevitably means focusing on attachment, which begs the question: Doesn’t focusing on attachment mean that sleep challenges simply need to be survived? Or, better yet, doesn’t attachment reduce these sleep challenges because sleep feels safe, and the baby’s needs are met?
Yes, and no. There is no doubt that a critical component of development (not just emotional, but physical and neurological) is having a secure attachment. We can turn to Harlow’s research with Rhesus monkeys for an appreciation of just how important secure attachment is —this research showed how profoundly affected young monkeys were emotionally because they did not have their mother to feed and care for them, but instead had a metal structure shaped like an adult monkey, complete with milk bottles for feeding. However, because sleep is a developmental skill, attachment supports it, rather than eliminates all challenges with it. In the first three years especially sleep will be interrupted. Naturally. It’s nature’s way (to protect against SIDS), and until a baby’s sleep matures over time (remember that train schedule —the stops along the way all require time, and we cannot snap our fingers and pop up at the end of the line) these interruptions are to be expected. Using attachment-oriented strategies ensures that their emotional needs are met despite the wake-ups.
But if it’s normal, what does that mean if I am struggling?
It can feel, at times, that if we as parents are being told that sleep interruptions are normal, and that “this too shall pass”, we must simply hunker down and tolerate the sleep deprivation, the frustration, and the disturbed sleep (including our own—for we have mature sleep cycles and have often become quite accustomed to uninterrupted night time sleep by social norms and habit). Must we simply accept things as they are and be a martyr? No! This is not something you must struggle through without support!
If you find yourself concerned about whether your baby’s sleep interruptions are typical, it is helpful to reach out (to a trusted friend, family member, health care provider, or sleep consultant). If you find yourself overwhelmed, or uncertain about the conflicting information around whether you are creating a sleep problem by responding to your baby (when in fact it is quite the other way around —you are responding because your baby is having trouble sleeping and are not likely causing more wake-ups by being responsive. There are no “slippery slopes”.
Getting Support for “Normal” Sleep Challenges
So would getting support be silly if this can all be boiled down to “normal”? No. There are three ways that support (from anyone you trust whose values and knowledge can meet the questions you have about what is happening) can help.
Here is why support can make a difference:
1. You didn’t “break” your child’s sleep.
There is great relief in knowing that in most cases you are not causing your child’s sleep challenges —it’s developmental! The first is that having help framing what is normal can give parents a great sense of relief that they are not causing sleep challenges, but rather are responding to them. Bronfenbrenner calls this the dance between parent and child: an ongoing ‘reach out and respond’ cycle that ensures that baby is learning the world is safe and you are learning how (and sometimes even why!) your baby is communicating a need to you. You can release the guilt that you have done something to cause this. You can let go of the “I know I shouldn’ts” and replace them with the “I know we’ll be ok”’s.
2. You can anticipate the developmentally tricky times
By learning what is typical for sleep development, you can wisely choose sweet spots for making external changes (a new room, or transitioning from crib to bed) and can avoid making changes during tricky times. You can also get support through the tricky times to navigate how best to get through with everyone’s dignities intact —this, that I could get through without pulling out our hair, or at least pulling out a little less, and without compromising our attachment was a primary goal of mine in the early years of parenting.
3. There can be things you can do to help infant sleep improve and to feel better about it even if it doesn’t quite yet.
Just because it is developmental, doesn’t mean there aren’t things that you can actively do to improve the situation. After emerging from a tricky time, there can already be things in place that will help a child make a smooth transition to new skills (developmental or otherwise). Catching sleep cues, nudging naps earlier or later, bumping naps altogether, and creating a sleep sanctuary and bedtime routine that entices (but doesn’t “cause”) sleep are just some of the ways that knowledge and support can create a more informed, and more relaxing bedtime and nighttime for families.
In the end, I look at development as a pillar of infant sleep; a key component to understanding why things are happening, and giving us a sense of whether (and how) we can be nudging things. Combined with attachment and environmental supports, develop of sleep (and the impact of development in other areas) can be used to understand so much of what is happening. And this understanding helps give us a path towards independent sleep —when our babies are well and ready.
Warmly,
Heather
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PS If you are unsure if support around your baby’s sleep challenges would be helpful, reach out to me for more information. You can do that three different ways:
Attend one of my frequent Sleep Cafes or Infant Development Circles. Details of upcoming events are listed at www.heatherboyd.ca/new-events;
Book a free 20 minute Discovery Call to talk about your challenges, and decide if I am a good fit for supporting you. If we aren’t a good fit, I can recommend colleagues who may be able to help;
Work with me. I work with Ontario families by phone and video. See options for working with me at www.heatherboyd.ca/work-with-me