On bedtimes and mealtimes: how capacity, connecting, and development play roles in resolving challenges
Many parenting challenges share more in common than it looks on the surface. Mealtimes and bedtimes are two such challenges. Regardless of the specifics, it often comes down to three key principles to help us as parents ride out the storm, and in doing so, help our children grow and develop through the challenge too.
PRINCIPLE ONE: BUILD CAPACITY
Parenting (and childhood) is a work in progress. Don’t slip into thinking that what you feel you must do to fix the problem tonight (e.g. punish, bribe, yell) will help you in the long run or that short term compromises (deciding to cuddle or co-sleep, even though you never wanted to) is a slippery slope. Take a bigger, longer, slower view on this. Think of it as a 1000 day project to get to the endpoint: whether that endpoint is “falling asleep and sleeping through the night” or “staying at the table and eating all their vegetables” matters less than understanding that what you do tonight doesn’t count by itself. Tonight matters less to your success than what you do most nights in the weeks and months to come. So choose the approaches that build capacity in your children as they grow and mature. Your nurturing parenting, collaborative problem solving, and calm approach are what build capacity. And capacity builds a resilience through all the challenges yet to come.
PRINCIPLE TWO: CONNECT FIRST. CORRECT LATER.
In the rush to get through bedtime or mealtime, and in a misguided attempt to “make it work”, we as parents often jump into correcting what we see going wrong, rather than connecting emotionally with our children. Connecting emotionally, being responsive, and staying co-regulated, are the foundations of secure attachment. When attachment is secure, children are more receptive to correction and problem solving.
PRINCIPLE THREE: CONSIDER CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND SKILL DEVELOPMENT.
Although we would like to ‘fix’ a challenge, and although we may find ourselves repeating a script of “nip this in the bud”, the truth is that solving this is not entirely in our power. We are working within the (amazing, unique, and inspiring) constraints of child development. Regardless of age, we cannot expect our children to master something that they are developmentally unready for, and for which they lack skill and practice. Take steps to build skill while simultaneously appreciating what stage of development they are in. This is going to take time. This, again, is a 1000 day project.
WHAT IF MY CHILD LEAVES THE TABLE AT MEALTIMES?
When it comes to the scenario of how to keep our young children at the dinner table, for example, I look at it with these three principles in mind. First, we are building capacity to stay at the table. Second, we are connecting, rather than punishing them for not complying. And third, we are appreciating that staying at the table is a skill requiring time (and development) to master. It is a work in progress.
With these three principles in mind, here are the three strategies that may help support your goal of having your child stay at the table:
1. Make it engaging to stay. Start a tradition of going around the table to share the best thing that happened, the worst thing, or the funniest thing. Work on lengthening the time.
2. Make it comfortable to stay: feet that can reach a stool or the ground; relaxed; enjoyable food.
3. Make it worth coming back: end on a high note, even if it is not the entire meal --adults get talking or younger siblings take for.e.ver. to eat. Let them know that they can leave when they are done if they (for example) ask to be excused, and then bring their dishes to the sink --something that demarks the end of the meal. Make the end of the meal pleasant rather than something to dread.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY WON’T STAY IN BED?
The same three principles (build capacity, connect before you correct, and think developmentally) can apply to working towards having a child stay in bed and may look like this:
Make it pleasant: reading a book, special one on one time with one parent cuddling with them, and other rituals and routines that a child can look forward to can make bedtime a highlight of the day, rather than a rotten end. Finish the day on a highly connected note, and bridge to the next connection, rather than focusing on the departure;
Make it comfortable for them to get the support they need (so that they won’t ask for it when they don’t need it!): punishing them for leaving their room does not make bedtime feel more comfortable. It makes it feel threatening and it taps into what Gordon Neufeld calls counter-will: the harder we push for our kids to do something, the harder they push back (though I think most of us have done this as adults, too, if we are even remotely inclined to be stubborn!). Having routines that are expected and anticipated can make the process more comfortable, as well as letting our children know we are there for them (even if we really wish they didn’t need us at this point in the evening!). Make sure they are not hungry, or thirsty, too hot, or too cold. Make bedtime feel safe.
Understand the readiness for sleep as a sweet spot: bedtime, for a child, is not a means to an end….they might not want the day to end at all! Despite your frustration, remind yourself that a child who is primed for sleep is more likely to stay asleep; one who is rising from bed has an unmet need: physical, emotional, or developmental. Treat their entry to the living room while you’re finally watching TV with calm empathy, and an open heart. Yelling may get them back to the bedroom, but it will not set a great stage for building capacity the following night. Bring them back up calmly. Stay with them if they need that (they won’t always need it, but if they get support on the nights they do, they’ll be more likely to do without on the nights they don’t. Neufeld calls this “chasing attachment”. Kids will literally “chase” attachment right out of the room as you leave if they are not feeling securely attached in your absence. Building this takes time.
Ultimately, it's progress, not perfection, and it is as much about checking in on our own expectations and values, as it is about enforcing them. Know, as well, that if one meal or bedtime ends differently than you would like, you still have a choice about making it a power struggle or not --you can reflect and re-evaluate....and you can ask even quite young children for ideas on problem solving (when everyone is calm and rested and not really hungry!) --you want one thing, he wants another. How can we fix it so that we are all getting what we need?
In the end, we have the power to empower our kids as they grow developmentally and in skill. However, in our effort to feel in control, we often use that power to enforce, under the false premise that if we don’t fix it or force it, we are being permissive.
By looking at conflict and transitions (of which bedtimes and mealtimes are prime) as opportunities to connect and empower, we can avoid power struggles and help our children move developmentally and emotionally towards competence and self-regulation. And isn’t that the goal?