15 Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night

Last week I published a list of the neurological and biological changes that need to occur before a baby is capable of mastering independent sleep. (See it here).

The list was evidence-based but was also a bit tongue and cheek --after all, there are not a lot of direct ways to help a baby naturally produce melatonin at an adult level, or to develop person permanence so that they know that you still exist, even if they cannot see you. These and the other things on the list happen naturally in healthy babies. They may take more time to achieve than we would like when we are tired and touched out. But they happen on their own timeline nonetheless.

But, practical strategies are immensely helpful, even if we can't speed it up in any significant way. Afterall, there are ways that we as parents can support typical development in order to make the emergence of independent sleep occur as it ought to (over months and years) or nudge it forward ever so gently to get through to the next big developmental shift.

So....Let's now get a bit more practical. I'm still going to focus on some mindset shifts, and a huge dose of patience in the process --this is development, afterall, not sleep school. We're not going to ignore the basic nature of a baby, what their irreducible needs are, or what processes unroll in the brain and the body to make independent sleep possible. That would be silly. But this list will give you some actions to consider (either you are already doing them, you know that you would rather not, or you can give some thought to whether you can add it to your toolkit of developmentally-informed, attachment-based sleep strategies).

I deeply believe Dr. Gordon Neufeld's statement that "Nature has a way". We can do well as parents when we understand the nature of infant development and work with it instead of against it, at least to the extent that we can in our modern world and under the individual circumstances our family has. Understanding nature's way involves knowing what generally to expect, but also to know that there is no baby in the world quite like your baby. Noone knows them better than you, and yet you are still only just getting to know them and understand who they are. Be patient! All the best relationships take time to figure out.

Here then is a "practical" list of things parents can do, should circumstances and inclination allow, to nudge independent sleep. Some of these will feel more practical than others for you and your family. Still others will feel more like mental gymnastics in trying to reset some deep patterns and expectations in your role as teacher and mentor to your growing baby. Each of these supports one or multiple aspects of a baby's development and no single one is the magic solution to parent involvement in bedtimes, and night-time parenting (the term I use for supporting babies when they wake up at night with as much compassion and care as a parent would respond to needs during the day).

Fifteen Things You Can Do to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night:

1. Breastfeed if possible (it keeps baby close and gives them what they need in so many ways). If it is not possible (for any reason that makes it not the right fit for you or your baby), consider cradled-in-arms feeding to mimic the posture and closeness of nursing;

2. Get ample time in nature/sunshine, particularly early in the morning and mid-afternoon;

3. Avoid screens exclusively for the first two years (and beyond); Avoid screen time in the hour before beditme;

4. Sleep close to your baby for the first 12 months (nonsmokers);

5. Respond to night wakings with the same compassion as during the day (even if it involves less speaking and animated joy than during the day!);

6. Add sleep associations such as your scent, a sound, or a ritual or routine that brings comfort (patting, shushing, rocking, a lullaby, reading, roughhouse time, cuddles, your singing, and yes, even breastfeeding to sleep). In the middle of the night, choose particular strategies from this list and add short easily repeated phrases that provide comfort and reinforce a calm environment for sleep;

7. Connect and "be present" for your child during the day (see Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's new book The Power of Showing Up to appreciate the importance of being present.);

8. Drop naps as they begin to interfere with nighttime sleep. Know this will ebb and flow with ever-changing sleep needs and energy expenditure (physical and emotional);

9. Focus on the reunion rather than the separation. In children 2 years old and up, bridging to the next connection can be a helpful strategy for getting a bit more space without having our children lose the secure attachment and reassurance they get from our presence;

10. Know that you may not know! You may not know why they are waking up. But here they are upset or wide awake, or both, and they need you, their parent. You can meet their need for your nurturing, even if you do not know why the need is there.

11. Make your parenting efforts count! Rule out or address medical issues such as sleep apnea and gut issues so that your parenting efforts aren't undermined by changeable barriers to sleep;

12. Keep it simple. Keep the bedroom as a sleep sanctuary with few toys, fresh air, and not too warm;

13. Know which of Gordon Neufeld's stage of attachment your child is in so that you can focus strategies on this stage.

14. Hang on for the ride. Step away to refuel (figuratively and literally) when you need to so that you can maintain your compassion. Roll with the changes. "This too shall pass" can feel dismissive, so I avoid suggesting that. Simply know that even while the waves of nighttime waking may toss your ship around quite a bit, your boat is still being pulled by a current that is moving persistently (if unevenly) towards independent sleep, even if all you do is hang on for the ride and meet the need;

15. Reach out for support. Although infant development will inevitably pull most babies through to independent sleep eventually, know that "parenting through it" does not mean parenting through it alone. Find your village. Ask for help. And reach out to those who are ready and open to supporting you where you are at.

Some of these strategies are specific to sleeping, and others are broad strategies that can help parents no matter what the particular challenge is that they face at the moment. But each of them works towards building a secure attachment and honouring the developmental needs of your baby.

With best wishes for parenting with grace through the challenges,
Heather

PS: If support for you means connecting with me, I'd be happy to speak with you. Book a short complimentary call to talk with me about the challenges you and your baby are currently experiencing, and whether I am the right fit to help. Reach out here.

PPS: In an effort to ensure families get the support they need, I offer frequent free or low-cost workshops covering various aspects of infant development and sleep. To see what is coming up, see my calendar of events here.

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