Oh the Futility (Perspectives on Unanticipated Wake Ups and Other Parent Frustrations)
I am back from 8 days of camping up north of Huntsville, refreshed and restored (and very behind on returning emails!). But the start of the trip was also a good lesson -- in adapting to unexpected changes in plans, albeit (in hindsight!) a relatively minor one.
We started our camping trip with plans to do some canoeing, and strapped our canoe to our roof. We got a jump start on the drive early in the morning so we could make a stop to see family along the way. Or so we planned.
Turns out our roof rack doesn't fair too well for highway trips and we had to make our way back to leave the canoe at home, putting us a couple of hours behind schedule and leading to cutting out the trip to see family we haven't seen in a year.
Disappointing.
Frustrating.
And yet there's nothing to be done about it. Do what we need to do, and move on to the rest of our day . Bummer. But still ok.
Kind of reminds me of the futility and frustration I have felt if I had plans for using my time after getting the kids to bed. Whether they were babies and woke up screaming an hour after they went down, or even now, if one of them just can't seem to find sleep and needs some extra cuddles right when my partner and I start watching Modern Family (for the record, we are about 12 seasons behind), there is little good that comes from igniting a fire of frustration.
I'm not going to tell you not to feel that flash of frustration or the burn of resentment when this happens. Goodness knows I've been there.
What I will say is there is a lot of peace that comes with accepting what is happening. We can't control it, but we can reflect and adjust our reaction to it.
Gordon Neufeld describes this as futility...not being able to get what you want, despite how hard you try, because it is beyond your control. It is simply not possible in that moment. Kids experience futility every. Single. Day. And Dr. Neufeld suggests that the experience of futility is important for building resilience for coping with life.
(It's important to say that we shouldn't intentionally be vexing to our children, or choose to punish our kids to cause futility... Futility can come simply by not being able to defy gravity when stacking blocks. Or not being able to roll back over when they have flipped onto their tummies. We sure don't need to contrive it.)
If you find the frustration or resentment you feel is getting in the way of nighttime parenting the way you envision, or if you feel like some piece to the puzzle of joyful bedtime is missing, here are four things you can do:
1. Know you have a choice to respond. This doesn't mean you have ever chosen not to respond. Or that you ever will. But it still, at a basic level, is a choice. And that choice is a privilege. You choose to be a responsive parent each and every day. Some days more easily and more fully than others.
2. Breath deeply, hum, or do a body scan to calm your nervous system. It will help you and it may have a mirror effect on your baby. You're not going anywhere anyway. And you can't get "nowhere" faster. You are where you are.
3. Surrender to the moment. Take in what is in front of you. Notice the details of your baby’s chin, the moon that is rising out the window, or the pattern that the street lamp makes on the wall. Or the rise and fall of your baby’s chest as they surrender to the moment (they seem far better at it than us).
4. Take care to fill your cup. Do one thing that brings a wee bit of joy or peace to you. This doesn’t mean you’ve got to find time for an epsom salt bath or go on a hike (though those things are lovely). It can be as simple as enjoying that double foam caramel machiato from the drive-through coffee shop, or venting to a trusted friend just how hard you find it is right now. Or calling in your mom’s offer to help that you feel guilty about calling in. (Psst: helping feels good. Let them help!).
Biggest wishes for a peaceful night’s sleep. Let’s talk if you want help to make sleep easier.
Heather