Separation-based Strategies that Backfire -and what to do instead
By Heather Boyd, O.T. Reg. (Ont.)
Today’s blog is based on episode 59 of The Baby Sleep Connection Podcast.
Parenting advice can be overwhelming. So many “tried and true” strategies get passed down or shared online — and yet, some of them backfire. This isn’t surprising if we understand separation and attachment. But too often, these strategies are pitched as good parenting.
Today, I want to talk about separation-based parenting strategies — the ones that sound logical but often lead to more tears, more frustration, and less connection.
In this post, I’ll share three pieces of advice I was given as a young parent that didn’t work, what I learned from them, and what you can do instead to support your child — and yourself — during those tough moments.
1. “Just Step Into the Bathroom and Shut the Door”
When my oldest was a toddler and I had a baby in arms, I was told that if a meltdown hit, I should step into the bathroom, shut the door, and wait for calm.
So, one day, at my wit’s end, I tried it.
Let’s just say that bathroom door nearly came off its hinges. My child didn’t calm down — the separation intensified things.
Intuitively, I knew it wouldn’t work. My child needed closeness, not distance. The experience reminded me how easy it is to follow advice that sounds reasonable but doesn’t align with what we know about child development, attachment, or the individual needs of our kids.
“When children are overwhelmed, they don’t need us to disappear — they need us to stay close enough to help them find calm.”
2. “Step Out of the Car to Cool Off”
Another tip I received: if your kids are being too loud or fighting in the car, pull over, get out, and walk around to calm yourself down.
Sounds straightforward, right? But when I tried it, my child immediately got out too — scared and confused. And I felt even more frustrated because the “thing” I thought would get me out of this overwhelmed pickle had failed.
Separation is one of the most deeply rooted human fears, especially for children. Their safety depends on our presence. Even if the goal is to de-escalate, literal separation often increases alarm and dysregulation.
Of course, there are moments when parents need to pause and regulate — that’s not only acceptable, it’s healthy. But there’s a difference between stepping away figuratively (taking a breath, centering yourself), stepping away thoughtfully (in ways that focus on your regulation, rather than as punishment) and literally walking away in a way that alarms your child.
3. “If You Don’t Go to Bed, I’m Leaving the Room”
This one might sound familiar:
“If you don’t stay in bed, I’m leaving!”
It’s a classic bedtime power struggle, and one many of us have found ourselves in.
But threatening to leave often triggers that same deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. For many of us, this approach mirrors how we were parented — it’s part of our unconscious default parenting template. Yet, it doesn’t align with what we now understand about attachment and emotional safety.
When bedtime becomes a power battle, connection — not separation — is the key to calm.
Why These Strategies Backfire
At the heart of it, all three examples share the same root problem: separation amplifies alarm.
When children feel unsafe or overwhelmed, they instinctively seek proximity. Separating from them in those moments — even for what seems like good reason — intensifies their fear and dysregulation.
That said, there are times when you need to step away briefly to regulate yourself. That’s not failure — that’s self-awareness. The key is to distinguish between separating for your own regulation and using separation as a behavioral tool.
What to Do Instead
1. Center Yourself First
Your ability to co-regulate with your child starts with your own nervous system.
Try:
Breath work: Slow exhalations calm your body’s stress response.
A grounding mantra: “My child isn’t giving me a hard time — they’re having a hard time.”
Deep pressure: Grip the counter, hug yourself, or squeeze your hands together — these are adult versions of the deep pressure we use to calm children.
If you’d like more tools, sign up for the Parent Self-Care Toolkit here
2. Stay Close — But Not Too Close
Parenting expert Dr. Gordon Neufeld offers this wisdom:
“Speak, but not too much. Stay close, but not too close.”
You don’t have to talk your child out of their feelings. Simply being there — calmly and quietly — helps them begin to find their own balance again.
If you need an example of staying close but not too close, this dad simply being there and waiting it out with his toddler is such a great model . When my kids were this age, I could not always maintain that kind of calm, but when I did, I was on cloud nine with how my toddler curled into me as his big feelings passed. This is something to strive for, not to feel guilty about when you can’t quite stay that zen.
3. Validate and Reassure
Try naming what you notice:
“You’re really upset that playtime ended.”
“You wanted me to stay with you.”
Even if your guess isn’t perfect, you’re showing attunement. And if you do have to step away briefly, reassure your child:
“I need a moment to calm my body in the kitchen, but I’m coming back.” (Then shake it out, jump it out, or breath it out).
That reassurance softens the separation and keeps the sense of connection intact.
If your child follows you, let it happen. Trust will build over time that you’re coming back.
4. Look for the Need Beneath the Behavior
Every behaviour expresses a need.
Occupational therapist Kim Barthel calls this being a “behaviour detective.” Even if you don’t guess the need correctly every time, the act of trying strengthens connection and understanding.
When you approach your child’s behavior as a clue instead of a challenge, you shift from frustration to curiosity — and connection grows.
The Takeaway
Parenting is complex and humbling work. You aren’t going to get this right 100% of the time — and that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s connection.
So next time you feel tempted to close the bathroom door, step out of the car, or walk out of the bedroom, pause and ask yourself:
“What does my child need from me right now — and what do I need to stay present?”
When we lead with connection, both we and our children emerge calmer, closer, and more resilient.
“Separation doesn’t calm fear — connection does.”
Author Bio
Heather Boyd, O.T. Reg. (Ont.) is an occupational therapist and the host of The Baby Sleep Connection Podcast. She helps families understand baby and child sleep through a developmental and attachment-informed lens.
Parent Self-Care Toolkit
When emotions are high — yours or your child’s — grounding tools can make all the difference.
Inside this free resource:
5 ways to practice self-care
A self-care checklist to prioritize steps to self-regulatate
Resources and next steps
👉 Download the Self-Regulation Guide Here
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