How to Prevent a Sleep Emergency (and let go of shame)
Last week, I wrote about the concept of “Sleep Emergencies” and how they are distinct from sleep challenges that benefit from typical coaching, and are distinct from mental health crises.
A sleep emergency is when parents reach the end of their tether, depleted by fragmented sleep or low total sleep for which 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep for one night makes a palpable difference in how a parent feels and functions.
The treatment for a sleep emergency is sleep.
Arguably, sleep makes a difference in any challenging sleep situation —whether it’s ‘typical infant sleep’ or a mental health crises. But what makes a sleep emergency a sleep emergency is the importance of prioritizing 4-5 hours of sleep as your first step. Not sleep hygiene. Not a new bedtime routine. Sleep.
If it is not a mental health crisis (which warrants mental health intervention immediately), but your typical infant sleep strategies aren’t going to work fast enough, make YOUR SLEEP a priority.
In today’s blog, I want to go one step further. Let’s talk about how to prevent sleep emergencies before they happen, and how to release the shame that so many parents carry when things feel hard or “not normal.”
When Families Reach Out
In my early years of practice, most families came to me asking questions like:
“Can you tell me this is normal?”
“Are we doing the right thing?”
“Things are going well—how do we keep it that way?”
Now, more and more parents are reaching out when they are maxed out, burnt out, and full of shame that what they are doing isn’t working or that somehow this should be easier with their usual “toolbox of parenting strategies”.
They’ve often tried everything they’ve read online or seen on social media and are left wondering, “Why isn’t it working for us?”
This shift tells me something important: families today are under immense pressure—not just from sleep deprivation, but from the noise of too much information, much of it disconnected from what their baby actually needs.
Shame Hides in the Dark
If you’ve read or listened to Brené Brown, you know that shame thrives in silence. And for many parents I meet, shame is woven into the exhaustion:
Shame for losing patience, yelling at their baby, or feeling resentful
Shame for not being the calm, loving parent they expected to be
Shame for doing what “works” (like rocking, nursing to sleep, or bedsharing) because someone says it’s never ok to do these things
Shame for thinking that if it’s right for your family, it should feel “easy”, but it doesn’t feel easy
But here’s what I tell every family:
Look at the baby in front of you.
Forget the books, the coaches (even me!) for a moment—and just notice what your baby needs from you.
Ask yourself:
What can I do that’s easier, still safe, and actually helps?
What feels sustainable for me, my partner, and our wider support network?
If it’s safe and working, it’s not wrong.
“Do What Works” Is Not Bad Advice
Lately, I’ve seen a trend on social media where professionals warn parents not to “just do what works.”
That worries me deeply.
Because here’s the truth:
Every baby is different.
Every family has different resources and nervous system needs.
You can’t build sustainable sleep on shame.
So if doing what works means safely nursing to sleep, rocking, contact napping, or bedsharing in a risk-reduced way, and it does not run contrary to what you are personally comfortable with, —then that’s okay. You’re meeting your baby’s needs in the moment.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s the protection of your sleep for one 4-5 hour block. Then you have reserves to problem solve and make gentle changes from there.
The Mental Health Connection
I’m not a mental health occupational therapist, but mental health is inseparable from sleep. Exhausted parents are vulnerable parents—and that’s not a character flaw.
Getting skilled support around maternal mental health is imperative.
As one of my first OT mentors told me, “Bad advice can be worse than no advice at all.”
So when I talk about sleep emergencies, I’m careful. I want you to recognize when you might need professional mental health support—because sometimes what looks like a “sleep problem” is actually a nervous system in distress.
If that sounds familiar, please don’t wait.
Call your therapist, doctor, or reach out to a trusted support person. You deserve care.
When You’ve Tried Everything
Some parents I work with have sleep trained in the past and come back saying, “That’s not how we want to approach it this time.” Others try every responsive strategy and still feel stuck.
My philosophy?
There’s no shame either way.
You deserve to:
Know your options
Make informed choices
Feel supported without guilt
Even if you’ve sleep trained before, you still belong in this conversation. You are still a responsive, loving parent. I say that as someone fully committed to a responsive, attachment-based approach to sleep, and as someone who does not, within my practice, coach parents through conventional sleep training. (When I’m not the right fit, I refer families to a colleague I trust).
Simply put, I am not in your home at 2 am. Neither I nor any other professional should be telling you what strategies you can and cannot use (I’m sure there are some extreme exceptions to this, so suffice it to say I make this comment in the realm of the clients I typically support). My role is to inform you so that you make the best, most attachment-based, most integral choices you can make.
How to Prevent a Sleep Emergency
Let’s bring this all together. Preventing a sleep emergency means staying connected—to yourself, your baby, and your supports—before things spiral.
Here’s how:
Get support early.
Whether that’s a family member, therapist, or sleep coach, don’t wait until you’re at the breaking point.Do what works (safely).
If a strategy helps everyone get more rest and it’s safe—keep it. Prioritize the ones that fit best with your parenting philosophy and are evidence-based. (For my private practice, that means connection-based, attachment-focused, and developmentally-informed).If it’s not working, change it.
You don’t need permission to pivot. You don’t need to “check the box” of any sleep philosophy. I often have my clients ask themselves where the trickiest or clunkiest part of the day is and start making changes there.Share your struggle.
Shame loves secrets. So don’t keep secrets. Talk to someone you trust—a friend, coach, or clinician—so you don’t have to carry it alone.Look for the helpers.
As Fred Rogers said, “Look for the helpers.” Leave online spaces that breed guilt or fear. Stay where you feel encouraged and respected. And keep looking –for your tribe, your community, and the supportive people who may be closer than you think.
You’re Not Failing
If you’re reading this in the middle of the night, wondering how you got here, please know this:
You are not failing.
You are exhausted, doing your best, and worthy of support.
The strategies you use to get a block of 5 hours of sleep may involve people, an environment, or an approach that is not permanent. Strategies for a sleep emergency are temporary bridges to help you pull out of the nose-dive of sleep deprivation and overwhelm. Once things stabilize, you can always recalibrate and find a more sustainable and aligned approach.
A Final Thought
If you want to hear the podcast that this blog is based on, go here.
If you’re ready for support that helps you feel calm, confident, and capable again, I’m here. (Book a 30-minute screening here)
And if it’s another coach or therapist who feels right for your family, that’s okay too. What matters most is that you get the help you deserve.
Until next time, I wish you restorative sleep—and the freedom to release any guilt or shame you’ve been carrying about how you got here.