The Attachment "String" -A Strategy for Toddler and Preschool Sleep

Although one of the key sleep strategies I help parents with is bridging to the next connection there are two other strategies I talk about in my recent video about supporting toddler sleep.

The first, the “string of attachment”, I’ll be discussing here.

For those who have taken my Infant Sleep 2.0 workshop, the analogy of a figurative string that attaches your baby to you, will not be new. The idea is that emotionally, and from an attachment perspective, physical proximity (touch, holding, cuddling) is key for babies in the early months. As babies grow, their independence naturally emerges….We see this in how babies begin crawling away from us (and circling back or looking back when they need reassurance).

This proximity during sleep is also important for babies — and it’s helpful to appreciate that there is both an emotional separation and a physical separation —children can become stressed by the idea of being left alone, particularly for a state of consciousness as vulnerable as sleep!

Babies and children can become resistant to the separation, fixated on demanding that you stay and cuddle, or read one more book, or bring a glass of water (three times!). Separation can feel scary!

When, instead of separation, we can focus on the connection we can help our children feel safer and more secure. Feelings of safety and security lead to relaxed and calm nervous systems….which lead to a child who can drift off to sleep.

So what has this got to do with strings? Well, when we imagine that our hearts are joined to our children’s hearts (and in fact all of our loved ones) with a string, we can imagine that a child who is stressed about being left alone will feel tension in that string as you leave. Imagine an elastic growing taut and tense as the distance between you grows (even if you’re just outside their room). A child who will do everything within their power to relieve the pressure by “pulling” you back in (or by literally chasing you out of the room to relieve the pressure of your absence!).

What if, instead, there were a way to keep the string lax; to remain connected (emotionally, even if not proximally) in order to be at rest; to no longer need to be drawn back in for our child to feel calmer and safer?

This idea of the string is the basis of Patrice Karst’s book, The Invisible String, a beautiful story about two school-aged children who wake up during a thunder storm, and are scared to return to bed.

So how can we apply this idea to supporting our young child’s independence at bedtime? How can we nudge some separation while not alarming their nervous system and creating tension?

Make the invisible string visible!

Here are five steps to consider taking if you want to use the idea of a string (an emotional AND physical connection) to ease bedtime troubles.

1. Introduce the story if your child is old enough. This isn’t necessary, but is a lovely way to set the stage. I’ll point out that the mom in the story models such calm and open acceptance to reassuring her children, that it is always a good reminder for me to strive for calm, even through the challenges. So if you choose not to read it to your child, consider reading it yourself!

2. Talk about how when you are not in the room you are still “there” —still thinking of your child, still holding them in your heart, and looking forward to kissing them good night while they sleep, or checking in on them, or looking forward to their smile when the sun comes up.

3. Introduce them to a ball of yarn (in your child’s favourite colour, perhaps!) and talk about how even though the invisible string is not something that you can see, you can use a real string to remind them that you are close and are connected. Describe that you can be connected by the string if they hang onto one end, and you hang onto the other.

4. As you tuck them into bed, give them one end of the string: you can place it under their pillow, or have them hold it. Don’t tie it up in places it will become a tripping hazard.

5. Finish your night time tuck in or routine, say good night, and unravel the string out the door and down the hall to a room nearby, saying that you will hang onto the string so they can fall asleep knowing you are right there, close by, and are connected to them.

6. Roll the string back up after they’ve fallen asleep and place it somewhere they will see in the morning, to reinforce that you went in to check on them after they fell asleep.

The first night or two, your child may want to test that you are at the end of your string…be prepared to stay where you are while they fall asleep. Make sure you have a book and a tea or glass of water!

For safety reasons, I recommend you ravel up the string after they fall asleep. You can leave the ball beside their bed if they are old enough developmentally to leave it there safely, as a reminder when they wake that you are waiting to be reconnected. For kiddos who are night-waking and are welcome back in your bed through the night this can be fine.

Make a morning ritual of putting the ball back in its proper place for the next bedtime.

Figuring out how best to “set the stage” for this strategy, believing yourself that it will work to help your child feel connected and secure, and managing any blips in the process, will all take some time. If this strategy is one you want to try, don’t give up if it doesn’t work right away! The string may take time to develop significance to your child. And the older your child is the more they will be capable of understanding that this is a symbol of your connection, and be reassured by that.

If you try this strategy, reach out to me! Let me know how it worked for you. How did you adjust the strategy to fit your situation? What “script” or words did you use to describe the connection or how the string “works”. What did you change over the course of several days until the way you work this into the routine felt right?

As always, if support through this implementation (and the other challenges that come along with this age!) would be helpful, I welcome you to join the Family Sleep & Development Facebook group as a supportive space to get more resources. Or reach out to talk about how I might support this part of your parenting journey.

In the meantime, may you find success in navigating the sometimes bumpy, sometimes surprising, route to independent sleep.

Heather

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